Connoisseur
by Lady Drama
Summary: In which Yumichika discovers somebody in the Gotei 13 with eyes far more beautiful than his own. COMPLETE.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach._

_Beta'd by PoisonLadyAnissina_

* * *

It wasn't a romance with the most heart-warming of beginnings. Our hero was thrown against a building by his dear friend and said friend laughed maniacally while watching the building collapse on top of him. It didn't have the most beautiful of settings: the plain white walls of the Fourth Division were sterile rather than sylvan and our heroine's white haori made her blend into them with effortless ease. The heroine and hero were not dressed in lace and silk for their fated meeting but black robes and bandages respectively. She did not inquire about his health with anxious concern but professional detachment.

And with this mundane start, their story began.

Retsu Unohana walked away from her first meeting with the Eleventh Division's new Fifth Seat, feeling surprised and just a touch worried. The pretty, almost slender boy on the hospital bed had been nothing like the thugs who were regularly sent in from the Eleventh. His fine features seemed ill-equipped to handle the blows for breakfast, lunges for lunch and cold compresses for dinner that were par for the course in his rough division.

Mentally, she made a note to tell Isane to reserve a bed for him until he transferred out of the Eleventh, an event which she had no doubt would soon occur.

Yumichika Ayaesgawa did not walk away from his first meeting with the Captain of the Fourth Division. Instead, he stared at her retreating back as she quietly whispered orders to her furiously scribbling subordinate. But as this was because both his legs had been broken by his best friend, in collaboration with a prank formulated by his Vice-Captain, not the harshest of critics could have blamed him. As his eyes fluttered shut due to the sedatives a healer had just pumped into his bloodstream, his last thoughts were fearful. He had finally found eyes that rivaled his own magnificent ones in beauty.

It is said that it is wise to keep your friends close and enemies closer. Yumichika had no idea precisely who had said so, nor was he wise but he didn't care about either circumstance anyway. He pushed Ikkaku in front of Kenpachi so often that his poor friend was eternally in the hospital. And of course, then it became practically a matter of duty for Yumichika, the devoted friend, to visit him there and ask Captain Unohana about his exact condition. In the end though, Ikkaku developed a Bankai as defense against this particular strategy and Yumichika was back to the drawing board. However, he soon came up with another evil plan and made the best of his situation by setting Yachiru, their feared Vice-Captain loose on Ikkaku's head. Lieutenant Kusajishi was only too happy to assist him by chewing her Baldy out literally. Poor Ikkaku simply never had the time to draw his zanpaktou.

* * *

Retsu had underestimated the slim boy from the Eleventh. He was no fool and apparently knew precisely what he had signed up for when he joined the Eleventh. He was also extremely apt at avoiding those fights which he felt would possibly ruin his beautiful complexion.

She was not surprised to see his friend there every other day, though. Madarame was precisely the kind of man who could be depended upon to leap into a fight, zanpaktou first head later, and the frequency of his visits to the hospital reinforced this image of the violent man in her head. She found it rather sweet though, that his friend always carried him into the Fourth Division, no matter how many times a day he was injured.

Speaking of his friend, the Fifth Seat's eyes positively smouldered whenever they were trained in her direction. Which was surprisingly often, these days. He always checked on his friend's medical condition with her and each time he did, he looked into her eyes with an expression that she couldn't quite identify.

_Men had looked at Retsu with fear in their eyes._

Her reiatsu was powerful enough to reduce Eleventh Division men to snivelling babies and send even someone like Captain Ukitate running to take his medicine. Her smile was menacing enough to make Captain Kyouraku drop a bottle of sake.

_Men had looked at Retsu with admiration in their eyes._

Her own Division's members practically worshipped the ground she walked on. Other Division members too thought her healing abilities praiseworthy.

_Men had looked at Retsu with respect in their eyes.__  
_

The Captain-Commander had always been appreciative of her decision to mend rather than break and respected it by never forcing her to fight at the frontlines.

_But no man had ever looked at her with desire in his eyes._

Ayaesgawa's gaze made her uncertain and for an appalling second, she thought she blushed. But to her relief, her voice was reasonably steady as she explained that Third Seat Madarame had torn his liver, busted his kidney, broken three ribs and would most certainly not be attending the Rukongai's Annual Sake and Bull-Fighting Festival. She hoped he didn't catch the slight quaver in her voice. Then again, considering the unromantic words she had just uttered, he probably didn't.

She was wrong. Years of gazing at his own perfect reflection in his trusty hand-held mirror had sensitized Yumichika to the subtle changes in a human's (and dead spirit's) expressions. Her blush did not go unnoticed, neither did the slight wobble in her words as she mentioned why it would be unwise for a man who couldn't stand up straight to attend a Bull-Fighting Tournament.

"Would you like to go with me, in his stead?" he asked.

Retsu's mind couldn't seem to comprehend his words. Was he asking her out on a friendly outing or a date? It had been so long since any man except Jyuushiro or Shunsui had asked her to go a Rukongai event with him, she had forgotten how to tell the difference.

"Unless you would prefer to declare Ikkaku fit enough to fight? I have some money on him I would prefer not to lose," he added slyly.

Unohana's eyes lightened as she heard his words and realised that the boy was just joking. The spark of mischief she had hidden away for centuries came to light and she replied, "I would be delighted to accompany you, Fifth Seat Ayaesgawa."

She walked away with the strut of a female who knows she has left a gaping male behind.

* * *

Rukongai's Annual Sake and Bull-Fighting Festival was mainly sponsored by the numerous sake houses in the area. The bull-fighting was an added lure, cast to bring out sake's best customers: reckless men of violence from the lower districts who were usually so dazed by either pain or the euphoria of victory that they could be given extremely watered down alcohol at outrageous prices. It was also an excellent opportunity for some of the more macho Shinigami to twirl their moustaches and defeat the bulls with testosterone oozing out of every pore of their bodies as impressed commoners clapped on. Bets were often placed on the brawny Shinigami of the Eleventh and on a good day, a bookie could make enough to retire. Gold and sake flowed in complete harmony in the disharmonious crowd and everyone left with empty pockets and wobbly legs.

As Retsu entered the stinky festival from an entrance near the enclosure where the bored-looking bulls were kept, she wondered whether Ayaesgawa was lagging behind because he was embarrassed to be seen with the Seireitei's unofficial mother figure. Turning around, she saw that he had stopped some way behind her and was admiring his reflection in a pail of dirty water someone had left lying around.

Without really knowing why, Retsu let her breath escape in a loud sigh of relief. She went up to him and was just about to tap him on the shoulder, when he said, "Shh!"

"What's the matter, Ayaesgawa?" (She had decided that his full name and title were much too long for colloquial use.)

"Look," he said simply, pointing towards the pail.

She stared at the muddy water and saw nothing except several disease causing germs winking up at her.

"The water reflects us and when sunlight hits it, we appear to be glowing."

Retsu concentrated harder, unconsciously drawing on her reiatsu and causing a few bull-handlers nearby to faint. A passing thug looked at the handlers with disapproval and walked away muttering about lightweights who could barely handle a bottle.

"No," said Yumichika, grabbing her hand to stop her. "Just see."

Slowly she let her reiatsu ebb away and stared at the reflection. It was beautiful, even if it was surrounded by microorganisms that made frequent appearances in her worst nightmares.

"Oy, you daft or what?" asked a small boy rudely. He picked up the pail and deliberately sloshed some water near their feet as he went away to wash the bulls.

Neither noticed this interruption however, as it was at that moment that Yumichika chose to say, "Your eyes may be prettier than mine but I'm still better looking."

Retsu blinked in surprise, unsure of what to say. She smiled in the calm manner that had soothed many a deranged patient but it only seemed to agitate Yumichika further. He drew back with an expression of total shock on his face and breathed, "Impossible!"

She decided that it was in the best interest of passers-by if she walked on further as Yumichika appeared to be summoning his reiatsu without really thinking about it, as if in preparation of battle. Hopefully, that would break his trance and he would follow her.

"You're beautiful," he said aggressively, in a tone of such disbelief that had it been any woman except Unohana he would have been fried on the spot. As it was, Retsu gave him her sweetest, most menacing smile and continued to walk towards a sake stall.

In the Seireitei, Ikkaku Madarame woke up from his sedative-induced sleep yelling that the apocalypse was coming. Isane Kotetsu finally indulged a long cherished fantasy of hers by giving him enough pills to knock out a baby whale and watched with satisfaction as he snored the rest of the day away.

* * *

"Sake?" offered a stall-keeper enthusiastically waving a bottle so that it almost banged into her nose.

Retsu shook her head and walked on, aware of Yumichika's eyes, which had been fixed on her all day. While it wasn't precisely a bad experience to have a handsome man staring at you, Unohana had to admit it was a little unnerving. She spotted the edge of a pink haori as it fluttered in the breeze and prayed that the Eighth Division Captain wouldn't see her there. There were only so many unpredictable males she could handle at one go and right now she had her hands full with Ayaesgawa.

"Do you want to go see the bull-fighting?" asked Yumichika abruptly.

She nodded, slightly surprised by his sudden offer. Nevertheless, Retsu accepted his peace offering with a slight smile.

Ayesgawa's drew together in a frown and he muttered, "This way," before stalking off. The crowd parted before his ferocious scowl and fluctuating reiatsu. She followed at a more sedate pace and wondered what she had done to set him off. Maybe the lettuce she had had for lunch was stuck between her teeth? It would certainly show when she smiled and everyone in the Gotei 13 knew of the Fifth Seat's disdain for all things ugly. Perhaps that was why he had a tendency to glower and stalk off whenever she smiled.

Just as Unohana was wondering where she could find a mirror to check her reflection, she heard her companion let out an exasperated expletive as he realised that she was no longer following him. She hurried forward to catch up with Yumichika. He gave her yet another glare before setting off towards the big arena that had been cleared for the fighting. Retsu wondered how anybody could look quite that gorgeous in a bad mood.

"Don't we have to buy tickets?"

Yumichika would have snorted if the action hadn't been so inelegant. "We're in the Rukongai."

"So?"

Retsu truly had very little experience of life outside the Seireitei. She had been born in one of the richer districts and had never really experienced the rough Rukongai life as Ikkaku and Yumichika had. When she told Yumichika this, a grin spread across his features.

For the first time in her afterlife, Retsu Unohana felt unsettled.

It was the smile of a true fun-loving, mischief-making Eleventh Division brute. She finally understood how this seemingly weak boy had made it through his years in the Division with all his limbs intact. Although he didn't look it, he was a true Eleventh Division member at heart.

"What are you thinking of?" she asked warily.

It was a well known fact that the Eleventh Division members frequently harassed the Fourth Division. Even the Head Captain's stern words hadn't been enough to deter them. They claimed that it was just their way of assisting the Fourth. If they didn't train the pansies by picking on them, the weaklings would just killed in a real combat situation wouldn't they? Picking on the Fourth Division was the Eleventh's version of community service.

Today, Fifth Seat Yumichika Ayesgawa of the Eleventh Division carried this tradition to new heights by picking on Captain Retsu Unohana of the Fourth Division.

"Please enter this lady here for Fight Number Eleven," he said to a man leaning against a nearby pole. He was a scruffy old fellow, clad in dungarees that looked as though they hadn't been washed for centuries (they probably hadn't) and a straw hat. To complete the image of a quintessential good-for-nothing, he was even smoking a pipe.

"'er?" he asked dubiously, nodding at Retsu.

"Yes."

"Ya sure?"

"Yes."

The old man cocked his hat a little higher and leaned forward confidentially. "Y'know, if ya don' wan' yer wife meetin' 'er, just pay 'er off. No need ter get a pretty piece killed."

"Just sign her up."

The man reluctantly wrote her name down on a piece of paper he produced from an unspeakable region of his body.

"Well," said Yumichika, turning back to Retsu, "Now you can really experience the Rukongai life as Ikkaku and I knew it."

She was sorely tempted to just murder the man on the spot and Shunpo away. However, it was her real name that he had used for the tournament and she couldn't back out now. As a Captain of the Gotei 13 she had reputation to maintain. However, she could still give him an extraordinarily creepy smile. Yumichika drew back unconsciously in fright before realising what he was doing and straightening up.

"What?" he asked with faux-innocence.

Retsu gritted her teeth and swept past him.

Yumichika wondered whether all disinfectants smelt as good as hers.

* * *

"So," said Ikkaku.

"So," repeated Yumichika miserably.

Ikkaku groaned and held his still throbbing head in his hands. Hollows, Bounts, Arrancars, Espada and even angry Division Captains he could deal with. Handling a sedative overdose hangover and a whining friend at the same time was well beyond his capabilities.

"So, lemme get this straight," he said, words slurring slightly.

"You've been getting me bashed up so you could look into Captain Unohana's eyes?"

Yumichika winced. "There's no need to phrase it so crudely."

"Refinement be damned, my head feels like Yachiru's taking dancing lessons in it."

"That would hurt," said his friend sympathetically, "Especially since your lucky dance is the only one she knows."

"And then," said Ikkaku, hurriedly changing the topic, "Not content with choosing a date over a mate, you proceeded to ask her out to Rukongai?"

"Those weren't dates! And I was merely jesting when I asked her out!" said Yumichika indignantly.

"What's nesting got to do with anything? And if it means you're thinking about marrying her, let me tell you …"

"Jesting means joking, you illiterate buffoon!"

"Oh."

Ikkaku scratched his head. It made a horrible sound, like nails scraping across a blackboard. Yumichika threw a bottle of medicine at him.

"Cease that disgustingly ugly …"

"What?" interrupted Ikkaku.

Yumichika almost rolled his eyes at that. However he remembered how hideous such an action was and stopped himself in time. "Stop scratching your head."

"Oh."

Silence reigned as the king in the room for a while.

"Vice-Cap'n Isane mentioned you made Unohana pretty mad yesterday," ventured Ikkaku finally.

"Probably. Did she tell Vice Captain Isane so?"

"I dunno, But her face was bright red when she entered the Division. What in hell did you do?"

What happen next can only be described as an explosion and even a Shingami with Bankai cowered under it.

"I'll tell you what she did! She looked more beautiful than me when we went to Rukongai yesterday! And when she smiled, her eyes…"

Silence overcame them once more. Yumichika almost slumped in his chair (oh, for lost elegance!) while Ikkaku's brain struggled to process the words it had just received. His brain told his ears that there had been some kind of mistake. His ears gave his brain an earful for questioning their ability. His brain told his ears that they were barmy…

"Ikkaku?"

Said Shinigami looked up with his jaw hanging wide open.

"Gurk?"

"What do I do?" asked Yumichika, throwing his head in his hands melodramatically.

"Blrg."

He struggled to catch up. First Yumichika had told him that he would tell him what she did and then…

"I snapped every time she smiled," admitted Yumchika, "I couldn't help it; I hated being less striking than my companion."

"Hrrk."

"Finally, I entered her in the bull-fighting competition under her real name, knowing that she wouldn't back out once her name was written.

"KERR?"

"There's no need to raise your voice in such a boorish manner. I thought that she would no longer look beautiful once she was muddy and sweating and I would be the most attractive person in the universe once again."

"Jgd."

"However, my plan failed spectacularly. When the bull tried to attack her, she simply released her reiatsu so that it fainted. As did half the audience."

"Dop."

"So, there was absolutely no blood or sweat involved and she looked as stunning as before."

"Piss," said Ikkaku hoarsely.

Yumichika took no notice of him and simply stared at the roof. "I think if I added another feather, I'd be her equal."

"Sake."

"And perhaps some glitter eyeshadow. Or would that be excessive?"

"Attack!"

"Admiration of beauty is a fine thing too, isn't it?" mused Yumichika, "If I asked her to accompany me for some sake today, I would be a connoisseur. A beautiful title, don't you agree?"

Ikkaku succumbed to shock and the few sedatives that were still in his body.

* * *

AN: Reviews are love and you know you loved this *hint* *hint*


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